The Global Warming (with apologies to Monty Python) Bush: *I* don't know - Mr. Cheney just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the Weather Channel, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Global Warming. [JARRING CHORD] [The door flies open and Cardinal Gore of Tennessee enters, flanked by two junior cardinals. Cardinal Hansen of NASA has goggles pushed over his forehead. Cardinal Pelosi is just Cardinal Pelosi] Gore: NOBODY expects the Global Warming! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless environmentalism.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless environmentalism...and an almost fanatical devotion to the IPCC.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again. [The Global Warming exits] Bush: I didn't expect a kind of Global Warming. [JARRING CHORD] [The cardinals burst in] Gore: NOBODY expects the Global Warming! Amongst our weaponry
are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless environmentalism,
an almost fanatical devotion to the IPCC, and nice green uniforms -
Oh damn! Hansen: What? Gore: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief
weapons are ...' Hansen: [rather horrified]: I couldn't do that... [Gore bundles the cardinals outside again] Bush: I didn't expect a kind of Global Warming. [JARRING CHORD] [The cardinals enter] Hansen: Er.... Nobody...um.... Gore: Expects... Hansen: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the
Global...um... Gore: Warming. Hansen: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Global
Warming. In fact, those who do expect - Gore: Our chief weapons are... Hansen: Our chief weapons are...um...er... Gore: Surprise... Hansen: Surprise and -- Gore: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ... our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges. Pelosi: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse
dates commit heresy against the Holy Environmental Science. 'My old
man said follow the--' Hansen: That's enough. [To Bush] Now, how do you
plead? Bush: We're innocent. Gore: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! [DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER] Hansen: We'll soon change your mind about that! [DIABOLICAL ACTING] Gore: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- [controls himself with a supreme effort] Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the rack! [Hansen produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Gore looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger] Gore: You....Right! Tie him down. [Pelosi and Hansen make a pathetic attempt to tie him on to the drying rack] Gore: Right! How do you plead? Bush: Innocent. Gore: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack [oh dear] give the rack a turn. [Hansen stands their awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders] Hansen: I.... Gore: [gritting his teeth] I *know*, I know you
can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore
your crass mistake. Hansen: I... Gore: It makes it all seem so stupid. Hansen: Shall I...? Gore: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha! [Hansen turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack] [Cut to them torturing a dear old man, Mr. Lindzen] Gore: Now, old man -- you are accused of heresy on three
counts -- heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy
by action -- *four* counts. Do you confess? Lindzen: I don't understand what I'm accused of. Gore: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Hansen! Fetch...THE CUSHIONS! [JARRING CHORD] [Hansen holds out two ordinary modern household cushions] Hansen: Here they are, lord. Gore: Now, old man -- you have one last chance.
Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the Global Warming
heretics -- *two* last chances. And you shall be free -- *three* last
chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged
in my previous utterance. Lindzen: I don't know what you're talking about. Gore: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal! Poke him with the soft cushions! [Hansen carries out this rather pathetic torture] Gore: Confess! Confess! Confess! Hansen: It doesn't seem to be hurting him, lord. Gore: Have you got all the stuffing up one end? Hansen: Yes, lord. Gore [angrily hurling away the cushions]: Hm! He is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Pelosi! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR! [JARRING CHORD] [Zoom into Pelosi's horrified face] Pelosi [terrified]: The...Comfy Chair? [Hansen pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one] Gore: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Hansen! Put him in the Comfy Chair! [They roughly push Lindzen into the Comfy Chair] Gore [with a cruel leer]: Now -- you will stay in the Comfy
Chair until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven. [aside,
to Hansen] Is that really all it is? Hansen: Yes, lord. Gore: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting
a lot, do we? Confess, man. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess Hansen: I confess! Gore: Not you! |